Ex Lacrima Remnant

#B-Side V – Jump

A deep breath. Her eyes were trained on the full moon, on its reflection on the vast surface of that placidly flowing river. She wondered whether the water was cold, almost asked it to the moon herself. Yet, she received no answer. In the distance, the lights of New Babylon assaulted her retinas. Garish. Overwhelming. The jewel of the world, in all its splendor. And, among the lights, the titanic figure of Lagash, its shifting white and blue patterns illuminating the immenseness of her black body. Lagash. Bigger than any man-made building, stuck into the ground as an unfathomably tall tower. Waiting for man to trigger her awakening, once again. And that’s why she was there, on that bridge, looking down to the water. She read that an impact from that height could easily result in her instant death. That thought was comforting, somehow. One leap and it’s over. No pain. No regrets. Simple, absolute death. The end of her existence. Because souls, provided they were real, weren’t certainly reserved for people like her. That’s right, a soulless existence, ended in a jump. Her raincoat felt heavier than usual, that night. She always loved it, loved how it bent around her arms, how it wrapped her body. It was comforting. Now, though, felt like a merciless heavy stone, quenching her resolve. She had roamed around the bridge for so long, moving from one side to the other, forward and back, day by day, to find the strength to take that last step. And, now, she was there. Ready to say goodbye to Lagash. Without having been able to solve anything. To change anything. Yet, it was already two hours since she started to stand there. Two hours of telling herself just one step. It was just one step, indeed, as she was now standing on the handrail, keeping her balance perfectly. A gust of wind could be her end. A simple wrong movement could result in her fall. That would have been for the best. Lifting the burden of choice from her. But, that night, the wind was an absent guest and her balance didn’t want to play tricks on her. Which left her in the uncomfortable position of having to act. Another deep breath. Fine. One hour. Five hours longer. It didn’t make any difference. She already waited for too long.

“Hey, you’re gonna fall if you do that.”

A voice from behind her. She turned around, without leaving the metallic handrail, meeting the gaze of a passerby. A girl in her late teens, maybe early twenties, rather tall, with long red hair and blue eyes. Covered from head to toes in white feathers. The woman squinted her eyes. Yes, there was no mistake: all of her ‘clothes’, for lack of a better word, were made of feathers glued and sewn together to cover the bare minimum skin to avoid being arrested for public indecency. What an interesting specimen, the not-so-ready-to-jump woman thought, before considering turning back to her pre-leap contemplation of life, universe and everything. Still, something stopped her. Curiosity, maybe. She waited for so long. Ten minutes, one hour longer wouldn’t change anything. So, instead of simply ignoring the stranger, she decided to reply.

“That’s exactly what I was wishing for.”

“Dude, seriously?”

“Yes.”

The feathered girl reached the handrail, let her arms rest on it.

“Well, your choice. We are a free country.”

She stood there in silence, looking at the moon in the distance. She heaved a sigh, turned around again to face the wannabe leaper.

“What a beautiful night for a suicide.”

Suicide. That word made the woman fall deep in her thoughts. That was it, yes. Ending her life. Ending her suffering. Hiding her failures. Running away from them. As she often fantasized, in the past… how many years now? Too many to count anyway. Yet, the perspective of ending her life made her always take a step back, a step back, just before the moment of truth. That time was no different, maybe. Possibly. The voice of the feathered girl boomed once again.

“Look, not to tell you how to do that, but the more you think about it, the less you wanna jump. Been there, done that. Didn’t jump. And, now, look at me, enjoying my life, looking forward to downing jugs of alc, getting stoned aaaand orgying my way till morning comes.”

Their gazes met, for a long instant. Then, the woman on the fence broke the short silence.

“I’ve failed at everything. I wanted to save everyone. I… thought I could save everyone. But I failed. I don’t… deserve to live.”

“That’s a nice gem you got on your forehead. Can I have it, before you jump? Don’t wanna have to fish it from the bottom of the river.”

“Did you even listen to what I said?”

“Oh, were you talking to me, before? Cause it totally sounded like you were shouting at yerself. By the way, name’s Caro, yes? What’s yours?”

The woman with the raincoat glanced back at her, at that youngster dressed in feathers that just shared names with her. She realized, in her heart, that if she replied, her intent would be gone – dead instead of her. Yet, she couldn’t refuse. She couldn’t go away without at least one person knowing of her departure. So, against her better judgment, she answered.

“Robin. My name’s Robin.”

“Oh, like that actor, whazzisname? Robin Gallagher? Big fan of his PV movies.”

“Never watched any them.”

“Huh, never mind, then.”

The girl named Caro gazed at Robin, at her seemingly out of place green hair, her emerald eyes. She looked pretty, under that raincoat. Robin stared at her again, their eyes met once more. Words escaped her lips once more, breaking the impasse.

“I’m on a train that’s running at full speed against a wall, a wall placed five hundred kilometers downstream. I know the wall is coming, but I don’t have any control on the train. I can only wait for the crash and brace for impact. The emergency brake is broken and nobody makes me talk with the machinist. What… am I supposed to do?”

“…is it that damn trolley problem again? Lagash take me, I hate that – I hate all that bullcrap moral science, stuff like ‘would ya rather bang your father in your husband’s body or your husband in your father’s body’? Like, how do you even come up with such questions? Check your kink firsts, maybe?”

“That’s not a hypothetical. That’s exactly my problem.”

“Oh.”

Caro tapped her fingers on the handrail, absorbed in thoughts, her eyes closed. Then, she snapped her fingers.

“Can you, like, shoot your way to the locomotive?”

“…afraid not.”

“Damn, that was the easy one. But then, okay. Can you get out of the train alone at the next stop? Provided there’s a next stop?”

“I… could, in a way. But that would mean… abandoning the train to its course. And all the innocent passengers on board.”

“Then, bring them out with you!”

“But…”

“No buts! You can’t save everyone, yes? But maybe, just maybe, you can save someone. Or, you can convince someone to convince someone else to let you talk with the driver. If your voice isn’t heard, make your voice louder! That’s how we saved the whistling swan!”

“Whistling… swan?”

Caro nodded, pointed at the feathers she was wearing.

“Yup! That fat bastard Van Haijderen signed it into law today. Protected species, protected habitat and a giant fuck you to the Harmor Energy Conglomerate which wanted to turn their last known nesting ground into a geothermal plant. We did it. Months of protests of awareness campaigns, but we did it! And that’s what we’re gonna celebrate all night long!”

She stared at the Moon, letting out a smirk.

“We couldn’t save the kingfisher, though. Too late for it. Last known clutch died ten years ago. First bird species to get completely extinct on Lagash. Our friendly swan risked being the second. But, hey, we gotta take every small success.”

A deep breath. Robin glanced again at Caro, before slowly starting to talk again.

“…cherish what you can save…”

Then, she put her foot down, back on the asphalt. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe. Inhale. Exhale. Both her foots on the ground, her eyes closed. Cherish what you have. Save what you can save. Every life saved is more than nothing. No black and white. Shades of gray. Partial success. Partial failure. That was… a weird way to see things. Not one that was coded in her DNA. But, in its simplicity, it made sense. A species lost. A species saved. Should that youngster mourn the kingfisher for the rest of her life or try to prevent another living creature from suffering the same fate? Her answer was… surprisingly enlightening. Save what you can, whatever you can. Thus, she made a decision. Thus, she abandoned her purpose. Thus, she didn’t leap. And, instead, addressed that Caro that had talked her out of her intent. Or, rather, that helped Robin act on a decision she had already taken.

“Could I… come to that party too? I… want to see this happening. This… happiness of yours.”

“Oh, sure! You can have some of my feathers too, if you want to mingle in. Not that I’m going to wear them for long, if you know what I mean.”

“I don’t, but it’s okay.”

Caro grabbed her hand, shook it up and down, laughing like a maniac.

“Atta girl! It will be full of booze, weed and pretty boys! And pretty girls, if that’s what you’re into! But leave them boys to me, cause this night I ain’t gonna hold back! What are you waiting for? Follow me, Robin! Let’s goooo!”