Ex Lacrima Remnant

#B-Side XVIII – As I lay dying

I thought a lot about death. About dying, in general. I was never afraid of it. Being afraid of dying was stupid. I was sure I’d face my death with dignity, whenever it came.

Now, though, as I’m buried under all this rubble with a stump where my leg was, I just want to cry. Silence has been my only companion for these long hours. After the bombing stopped. After the last rod fell. I don’t know what’s left of Lagash, but my body has been thrown around left and right, shockwave after shockwave, barely hanging in. My lymph levels are so low it’s a miracle I’m still capable of thinking.

Which makes things more painful.

Being gone without knowing it… would have been better.

I see light peeking from outside. Sunlight. True sunlight.

The seedship, our goddess, our mother, is no more. The hull is breached. The systems are offline. There is nothing left of the vaults, of the crew, of the humans that boarded it. I too I’m going to become fertilizer soon. I grasp the metal plates underneath me, try to drag myself out. Yet, I fail. My muscles are sore. My bones are broken. I have tried to slither, to crawl out of this for the past… minutes? Hours? Days? I don’t know, but I’ve never stopped trying.

I want to see my catgirl.

I want to see my daughter.

Lea… Cattleya… I… want to see you again. I can’t die like this. I can’t die without… without seeing you being born. Will… will you have a fixation too? For what? Bunnies? Cats? My sweet Cattleya… you are so precious. How will your voice sound? How fast will you grow?

I…

I want to see you become big and strong.

I want to hug you.

I want to play with you.

I want to guide you.

I…

This is unfair! I can’t… I can’t die here! This is so stupidly unfair! I gave everything, everything up for my species! So, why?

Why can’t I…

Why can’t I have my happy ending?

Why… can’t I live… happy ever after… like in the novels… that Calendula reads?

Wh… why?

I… sacrificed myself for the cause.

For my kin.

For all of them.

And… what did I get back?

N… nothing. I’m going to die… without even seeing my daughter’s birth.

How is this fair?

Maybe, that’s the point.

It isn’t.

Life isn’t fair.

This world isn’t fair.

Then, what did I save it for?

…

Huh.

Noise?

What is this noise?

“…here! I’m seeing someone…”

“…it’s… oh Lagash take me, it’s…”

Voices.

So close.

So far.

The light.

Is brighter.

Someone.

Something.

Is moving away the tiles.

Slow.

Light.

I see the light.

And… and…

Silhouettes.

Three, four… no, five? I can’t see the details. It’s all… so blurry.

“Captain! Captain Commander…!”

I… now… see something more.

Rhizome.

Short hair.

A scar on her cheek.

Another one.

Braided hair.

And, in the middle…

“…Li…”

I feel warmth around my body. I feel wetness on my cheeks. This hug… this scent... I can’t move my arms. I can’t move my vines. I’m stuck. But this hug… these arms… this fiery red hair… this scarf made of roots… this… white lily…

I can’t…

I can’t… believe… it.

“…Lea?”

She hugs me. She hugs me tight. I’m crying. She’s crying.

We’re… we’re both crying.

Like the giant, dumb idiots we are.

I bask in her fragrance a little longer, rub my cheek against hers. I try to keep the tears from flowing, my water from leaking, but

simply…

can’t.

While my senses finally give up.

And I fall into a deep, dreamless slumber.

Knowing full well that she’s there for me.

Knowing that she’s always been there for me, even when I didn’t deserve it.

Oh, Lea…

My Lea…

Love.

Thanks for

having

never

given up

me.